I am 5 days away from giving birth. Today I bent down to pick up the laundry and managed to squish Squiggle's head, so he punched me in the butt. We are both ready for this arrangement to end, it seems.
You probably already have heard about the discomfort, the fatigue, the gas, the peeing, the nausea, the sore feet, the clothes, having to wear the clothes afterwards, the mucus, and all the other general crud. Here are a few things I wish I had been told before hand that I never came across in all the complaining.
1. Your Prenatal Vitamin may be making you sick.
I am 6 feet tall, 27 years old, and weighed 204 pounds when I began this shindig. I also eat a fair amount of lean protein and fortified grains, and drink almost a gallon of water a day. Why am I getting the same prenatal as a 110 pound high school girl that eats nothing but Cheetos and McDonalds? Turns out the extra iron and other minerals were making me sick. The first prenatals made me nauseous, despite being anti-nausea, and the second ones were still so full of iron and other hard minerals that I didn't poop but once every three to four days. Yeah, that made me feel GREAT, let me tell ya.
There are low-iron and other more tailored types of vitamins on the market. Do you really need all that calcium? Do you need more? How much foliate is in your diet? Are you out in the sun a lot, and thus full up on Vitamin D? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about these. If you don't get light headed during your period, you probably don't need all that iron. If you feel yourself getting light headed, you can always add a supplement, but until then your colon will thank me.
2. Dear God, the swelling!
Extreme swelling and high blood pressure can be a sign of preclampsia. No one really knows what causes it, but it might mean you have to be induced a couple weeks early. The swelling and high BP goes away right after. What they don't tell you is that sometimes your body just decides to blow up like a Macy's Day Parade float.
I used to have four holes left on my watch band. On a bad day, my watch barely fits. The only shoes I can still wear are a pair of size 11 flipflops. I was a size 9 before this. My calves have swollen so much my bootleg jeans look like skinny jeans. You know it's bad when the doctor weighs you, stares at your face and says, "the swelling goes away completely by about 6 weeks."
On the plus side, this will mean that I'll lose a TON of water weight quickly, and feel so much better, so much faster for it.
3. Random insomnia.
You will wake up in the middle of the night to pee, damn near fall asleep on the toilet, hobble back to bed, and be WIDE awake. You will remain wide awake for at least an hour, more likely two, then fall back to sleep only to do the same thing when your alarm goes off. You'll probably be nice and rested... for about two hours, at which point you will have a medical NEED for a nap. Good luck getting it!
4. The Waddle.
Jeff Foxworthy had a pregnant woman on his show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. She was standing with her hands on her hips and he claimed she wasn't really pregnant because her thumbs were still pointing back. He said you are only truly pregnant when your thumbs turn and face front. I giggled, but sure enough around month seven you'll find yourself all thumbs forward and waddling like a duck that's been fed laxatives. Your feet turn out, your hips swing forward, your shoulders fall back, and when you push a grocery cart, you waddle so bad it swings in step with you. Enjoy! You look stupid.
5. People don't listen to you.
I mentioned the Sciatica thing before. (IT CAN BE FIXED!) It was my first real run in with not being taken seriously. I'm college educated, well-read, and generally level-headed. The problem is that while every parent will tell you that every baby is different, they all have decided that what they finally figured out is the absolute best way to do anything and you're just ignorant if you don't do it like they did. We are not talking about general advice on how to avoid traffic, or how to paint a fence. This is baby care here! While a new parent really wants to hear all the suggestions and tips they can, (seriously, I know I don't know what the fuck I'm doing) when the suggestions start to move into the realm of patronizing, "you'll see" comments, you really want to start choking bitches.
I have a tiny, tiny bath tub with a great detachable shower head. It really isn't a big deal to fill it with a couple inches of water to wash a baby. Maybe I don't WANT the damn plastic tub that I have no where to store. I know your baby's butt fits perfectly into Pampers, but there's a sale on newborn Huggies and my baby is going to be a bit bigger than yours and the reviews say that Huggies are better for bigger newborns. You might be right in the end, but I promise that my decisions are not completely pulled out of my ass.
OH! Big one! The stupid baby laundry detergent. It's fucking $30+ a bottle! I already buy the Arm & Hammer sensitive skin, allergy, dye, and irritant-free, rinses completely out stuff because both my husband and I itch with the other junk. They didn't even have the stupid baby detergent when we grew up and we did just fine. I'm NOT buying the damn stuff unless I need to. It's a lot of money to spend, especially when you're changing the kid out of vomit-covered onesies every 20 minutes. If there is any sign of my baby's clothes irritating him, I'll happily shell out the cash in a heartbeat. I just think it's silly to start off with it when you probably don't need it.
and finally...
6. None of it matters.
The bottom line is that in 10 months (pregnancy is actually 40 weeks and can drag on to the full 42), you will have a baby. Nothing anyone says or does will stop this. Once that baby is born you will be with it 24/7 and only you will know what needs to be done. Fuck everyone and everything else. Your baby will be fine. You will be fine. People will look at how your kids haven't drunk the bleach and deem you must be doing something right. At that point they will shut up about how they used all silver-plated flatware with their kids because of the risk of green fingers, or whatever, and see that what you're doing is working just fine. Your body will go back to normal eventually, and you will have a healthy, happy kid. Seriously, fuck those guys.
